June 15th 2022
I just realized, it’s been five years since I turned my longing into a project and dedicated my coaching practice to the longings of women. So, to mark the occasion, I dug into the archives and found this treatise on longings from that spring of 2016. Admittedly, a lot has changed since then — And I remain steadfast in my belief that staying connected to the call of our deepest longings provides us each with a beacon in these times and gives us access to becoming warriors of the human spirit.
Here is my riff on the language of longings and the offer of a reflection practice for these languid days of summer written in April of 2016. I think I just may have become less wordy since then . . . :-)
Longings Are a Yearning Toward Wholeness
Longings are a deeply felt full-bodied conversation that is always going on between self and spirit, self and the world, self and others. They are a specific kind of desire that take up residence in our bodies, our emotions, and in our thoughts. Longings are a yearning towards wholeness that is involuntary. You may find yourself feeling stuck or somehow disconnected simply because you are not currently acquainted with your deepest longings. With a recklessly ambivalent relationship to desire, our culture has obscured the feminine art of listening for and attending to our longings. Following these instructions will initiate you into a practice of full-bodied listening. This is an invitation to attune to the language and voices of an essential conversation that you need to hear amidst the din and the ruckus of everyday life.
Longings speak their very own language. They “speak” in images, poetry, song, and occasionally in commands. Longings communicate in the turn of the phrase, in the movement of dance, soft clay, wet paint, bread dough, broken dishes, split infinitives. Especially when we are at the height of our sexual prowess, longings express themselves in sexual desire that demands our attention and can be quite mischievous in nature. Being afraid of this dims our capacity for sensuality. Longings do not come in tidy packages; you will find that they are not subject to the rules of rationality.
Longings often present themselves as wishful thinking, fierce desire or smoldering ambition. Often, we feel them deeply in our body-mind in the form of yearning, aching, pining, craving, hunger, thirst, a pang. In its earliest definitions longing means to summon. Longings swell our hearts with unexpected enthusiasm, or the tenderness of an unresolved loss that needs our attention. Truth is, our deepest longings are often the quiet ones.
Longings that have gone underground surface when something reminds us of them. When my life fills with work imperatives, my longing for the domestic side of life shows up as a strong tug just under my breastbone whenever I see a young women with a baby sleeping against her chest, cherry tomatoes and peas in a garden, and sheets hung neatly on a clothesline − I attend to that longing by keeping an altar at my kitchen sink, ritually unloading the dishwasher as a start to my day, air drying my laundry whenever possible, and coaching women who are wrestling with work and life balance issues in the mother / warrior phase of life.
The Practice:
Begin - Become Fully Acquainted With Your Longings (Without having to do anything about it right away)
A Week or So of Noticing and Reflecting
This is a Step One Practice. In the spiral of the creative process it is a beginning that is always good to circle around to, it keeps us fresh and new. The thing to pay attention to here is to learn the language of your longings so that you can hear how life calls to you. This practice will naturally inspire you towards your authentic response to that call. If you approach it with curiosity, some gritty daily discipline, and a smidge of courage, it will open up your emotional intelligence, sensual receptivity, and playful nature. You may feel as if you are recovering a long lost lover, or perhaps even discovering her for the first time. Hold your discoveries from this practice close to your heart and allow them to incubate. Share them only with a trusted few. Keep them safe and consider carefully when and how to bring them out into the light of day.
Start by Noticing. Invite yourself to slow down on certain occasions as you go through your day. The occasions you want to slow down for are when something sparks a heart centered tug (desire, elation or sadness) in you. Slow down and invite all of your senses into that moment. What sparks your longing could be almost anything: a person, place, or thing, a song, the sound of a specific musical instrument, a bird call, a dance, a painting, a smell, a poem, a gesture, an activity, an idea, a color, a texture . . . Get really curious about the nature of this tug. Pay close attention to specificity; the specific things that spark your longing, and the specific nature of the longing as it arises within you. Choose one particular instance to reflect on at the end of the day or first thing next morning.
(Here are some examples from my practice reflections over the years: There is an eight word line in one of Joni Mitchell’s songs that pierces my heart and sends a shudder through my body every time I hear it . . . The smell that emits from the ground-ivy in my freshly mown lawn makes me want to dance with joy . . . The moist edges of that man’s lips inspires a exquisite gurgle in my pelvic region that almost hurts. )
Reflect on What You Notice: Jot down some notes about what you noticed in a journal dedicated to this purpose. Use these questions as a start.
Choose one longing that you discovered today that is of particular interest. Briefly describe the spark and the tug using language as sense filled and specific to the experience as you can.
What thoughts are associated with it?
Were your thoughts past, present, or future oriented?
Does it have a specific idea or ambition associated with it, or is it telling you about something that you love with no logical direction or instruction? (Describe briefly)
What is it that you know in your gut about this longing today?
What is it that remains a mystery to you today?
Review: At the end of your week review your notes and look for themes in the content of your longings, and their languages.
Honor What You Discover: Another way to further bring these tender wishes and dreams out into the air and sunlight is by making an altar for your longings. Collect a few things that represent your longings to you. Arrange them beautifully in a place that it is safe (away from curiously unaware children and any unsupportive adults) and where you can tend to it easily. A place where you just inevitably encounter it every day as a part of your routine is good. (My altar started almost inadvertently on the windowsill of my kitchen sink, back in 1983. A good friend of mine kept hers on the dashboard of her car for years.)
The Call to Action: At some point longings start to point us in a direction and we experience a call to action. Projects, goals, new directions start to come into focus. It all starts to coalesce into the golden thread of a call. Urgency, passion and determination, will come on line. Whether the call is to make a quilt for your granddaughter, end a relationship, start something new, finish that book you started, or relocate to another continent, it is good to gather your forces and get some support as you initiate action and move into the arena of the creative process.
Responding to the Call of Your Longings
Wise women have known for centuries that longings can wreak havoc in our lives when we don’t meet them with our practical integrated self. Acting to fulfill a longing, by its very nature, can upset the familiar “normal” of our lives and often precipitates change. Interpreting, tending, and fulfilling longings skillfully is a critical part of learning how to live authentically, and dare greatly without just making a big mess of things. Understanding how the phases of our lives color our longings, and how to skillfully respond accordingly requires the support and structure of a guide, mentor or coach. We are talking about the mysteries here, and the call to step into a new level of learning to trust yourself and the world.
The Longings Project was born out of my longing to witness (in my lifetime) the beauty, truth and goodness that will be unleashed when more women are able to fulfill their deepest longings. I guess you could say it is my Maja Project. Although I do have a sense of urgency about this, I also believe that longings are expressions of our most intimate selves and they require protection during their incubation phase. Please be gentle with yourself, and with your tender longings as you gain their acquaintance. Timing is of the essence in matters of longing and slower is often more expedient at the beginning of almost anything. When you find you need help with attending to, interpreting, or fulfilling your longings please feel free to contact me. We can start with a free 20-minute phone conversation during which we’ll cover:
What it will mean for you to respond to the call of your longings.
Why now?
Your next steps.
What is it that is longing for you?
I can also answer any questions you may have about engaging in the coaching process and how my unique combination of encouragement and practical support can help you live more closely connected to your gorgeous longing and step into your most radiant self.